How do make/find time for friendships while being a busy parent?
- mhcorons—Join the school PTO. It doesn’t take much time, but you gain great friendships through it. Also, Team Moms have become some of my closest friends. Without these two groups, I don’t know what I would do. Church friends don’t seem to stick. But school and sport friends - there’s something special about them.
5 answers
ale2451
I think about this a lot.
One of the many ways in which becoming a parent was a bit terrifying for me was losing this sense of “self” which for me it’s a lot shaped in part by who I spend time with. I’m an extrovert and really love and find purpose in meeting other people and really connecting with them. When I was younger I traveled a lot (sometimes intentionally by myself) just to meet people. I also engaged in a million activities with very different communities to meet different types of friends (concert goers, sports, nerds, etc).
I always wondered, will this go away? And while it hasn’t completed disappeared, it has definitely slowed down. So what do I do? I reflect on what worked for me when younger and used to put myself in positions where I would have to do work to meet people (like when I moved countries more than once). The tactics remain the same! Here are some favorites:
BE THE HOST.
Chances are many other folks you run into would also like to see you again, but are just running into the same issues as you (like, you would we make it happen?). What I found works great is just make it VERY EASY for them to spend time with you. And make it easy for you as well (ie do what you love and share). I happen to love BBQing —and many people love attending BBQs— and I’m also a certified sommelier, so I’d be grilling and wining anyways. I just invite people often (eg our kids parents that we are meeting at school) to come and folks are always delighted and we are able to connect that way.
BE THE ORGANIZER.
A variation of above is folks looking for fun things to do. “Let’s go out some time” —> not gonna happen. But, “hey I’ve booked tickets for this concert on such date at this venue, my wife and I are going and we think you’d love it and we’d love if you joined” —> much higher chances of working. You might end up going on your own (which, fine, that’s a date!) but we’ve seen this also gets people motivated (it’s all planned, it’s a vetted event, and it will be an outing with other folks)
BE THE NUDGE.
Sometimes all it takes is that little courage to bug folks to actually follow through on the “let’s hang out” statements. Most people I found really actually welcome the nudges (as opposed to feeling pestered by them) so I’ll start a periodic, hey, let’s get something on the calendar. Or, how’s your actual availability coming up? And catalyze something. And if they are bothered by those pings… that’s also great; you know those are folks you probably wouldn’t get along with anyways as the “interest” is not reciprocated so better to spend effort elsewhere.
- ale—Oh, and how’s for an early November meetup with BTFL friends in the Bay Area? I can host :)
- rachel—That sounds amazing!!
- rachel—Also, I love your response so very much
- EMucha—Extra love on this one.
- jessica70
This is a good question! I’ve found that it just takes effort! Which is hard when you feel so busy and wonder how to add anything else in. When my kids were little it was good to find places I could take them with me and find moms in a similar stage of life. Park dates are so good at that stage.
But I also noticed as I look back at where my friendships have come from that a lot of it stemmed from just saying yes to a simple invite when it would have been really easy to say no. For instance: to play pickleball even though I wasn’t very good at it yet.
To a book club or cook book club even though I didn’t know anyone but the the one mom that invited me.
To help at school events or with kids sports teams even though I don’t know what I’m doing! Lol
I’ve found that being open to trying things is a great avenue to meet people even if it requires stepping out of your comfort zone.
And as for making time…I try to show up when I can (within reason) when other people plan something. They are less likely to keep inviting if you can never come.
If what others are planning never works for your schedule, try being the planner! Find a time that works for you and pick something fun to do! It can be as simple as hosting a movie night after the kids are in bed, meeting up for dessert somewhere or even waking up early for a morning walk.
I think friendships are so rewarding as an adult and are worth the effort! - ashesk50
The best answer and hardest thing for me, is just putting yourself out there! When there’s a play date go up to the door and start a conversation. Volenteer for school and sports needs. Go to events in your neighborhood or be brave and throw one of your own with your own interests!
As someone else here said I think it’s also important to show up for others! Try your hardest to support others. I know someone is going to be a supportive friend when I see them always showing up for others. Take your kids in tow if you have to or involve yourself mostly in your kids activities.
Good luck Mama it can be so hard but good friends are worth the effort! - glozca10
It’s not easy. but this has worked for me:
First, my daughter’s best friends from school, because I know they will be around for some time and it makes sense to get to know their parents and have a good relationship. Second, the moms at school I really like and feel connected to. I try to answer these simple questions: am i learning something from this person?, am I happy to see and listen to this person?, does this person also makes an effort to show up for me?
Finally, everything is about making the time. Choose something you really enjoy and invite people to join, maybe once per month. People is busy, but eventually you’ll tell who reciprocates and who doesn’t. - ktisme50
Knowing what you are looking for in a friendship versus what you see as available to you (or possible) can be an important place to start. Each potential friend has their own needs, offerings and restrictions, and being able to assess these for yourself and then for others can help you make space for friendships that are mutually desired and beneficial.
If “busy” is code for stressed or overwhelmed, I have a book recommendation. I am a big fan of the book, Overcoming Overwhelm by Dr. Samantha Brody.
It’s written an attentive doctor who helps people reset their nervous systems, and presents a practical style of figuring out what is working or not in life.