How have you been able to get aligned with your partner on parenting styles?
3 answers
ritu2651
This is super hard for us - we have very VERY different parenting styles. I skew heavily towards needing structure and organization, and Jon’s able to have a lot more fun with things. I’ve agonized plenty and in all honesty I totally wish I could be more like him, but I think I’ve been forced to accept that some things we’re just not going to align on and maybe it’s ok? I’ve seen some research online that points to the fact that it’s healthy for kids to see parents working through conflict together, and the kids seem to be pretty comfortable with the fact that we’re both very different people - they connect with us in totally different ways. We do try and align on broad strokes and big life decisions, but we’re different people with very different cultural backgrounds, so it is what it is.
More tactically though, I do find that setting aside time for relatively objective discussions with a third party moderator helps a lot! In our case, we do a biweekly sync with our nanny and while that doesn’t change who I fundamentally am as a parent, it gives me perspective about where the kids are, what they’re dealing with, and what’s age appropriate behavior that I shouldn’t stress about too much. Also (this is very important!) having someone else in the conversation forces me to avoid pulling in other emotional baggage that’s totally irrelevant to the kids (which I would totally do if it were just the two of us discussing the kids at the end of the day when we’re already exhausted and burned out).
rachel9802
totally agree with @ritu and echo @jon that on “some things we’re just not going to align on and maybe it’s ok”. I think what’s been hard for me is to decide on which things actually matter to me. Many (probably most) small parenting decisions probably don’t matter that much in the long run.
One recent example comes to mind. One of my kiddos really struggles to go to sleep, but desperately needs it. But dad often comes home right before bed, and the kids are excited to play with him and wrestle him (he’s a lot more playful than I am and they love it). This play time often starts bleeding into (what I had defined as) wind down time. I would watch the time slip away and get more and more stressed. Because I like a schedule and structure, and “we had a set bedtime for goodness sakes”. And I had to sit back and think, what really matters here? That they are in their bed at 8pm? Or that they have some time connecting with dad and end up in bed at 8:15pm or 8:30pm? So Tyler and I talked about it — I was worried about the amount of sleep they were getting (1/2 hr seems small but it adds up to less sleep over time and we were struggling to get up for school) and he wanted connection time. I try to be less stressed about watching the clock, and he tries to be more mindful of how long the rough housing has gone on. And I try to mostly let it go on Friday and Saturday nights when there is no school in the morning so they can soak in that fun dad time.
One book that has been really impactful for me has been The Self-Driven Child (https://www.amazon.com/Self-Driven-Child-Science-Giving-Control/dp/0735222517). Highly recommend. It’s actually about given control to your kids (he argues that we should give our kids as much control as humanly possible, and if they come up with a reasonable decision, even if it’s not the same as you would make, then let them make it). But it’s also made me think more about my interactions with Tyler. If it’s a reasonable parenting response, even if it’s different than mine, then I need to consider stepping back and letting it happen. It’s helped me let go of my natural need for control (in pretty much all things) when in comes to parenting. Giving more control to Tyler AND to my kids. And giving control to my kids actually seems to make things less stressful when we have different opinions as parents. We lay out the pros and cons to our kids, and try to let them make the choice when possible.
jon200
💯 to @ritu’s statement that “some things we’re just not going to align on and maybe it’s ok”. for better or worse, my partner and i are two different people with two different brains. it’s easy to decide that my way is the right way — and i often fall into that trap — but (sadly!) it’s clear that there’s no “one right way” to parent.
for me, the most important thing to stay aligned on with my partner is simply that we are both “in it to win it” and that we trust and respect each other. that way, even when she does things differently than i would, i know she wants what’s best for the kids, i know she’s got this, and i know her approach is also ok (often better than mine if i’m being honest).
if either of us thinks that the other isn’t doing their best, that alignment breaks, and we have to hash it out asap (not fun). but as much as possible, i try to let other “stylistic” differences slide, or discuss them when we’re both feeling constructive and open to new ideas.